What The Hell Really Is “Confidence?”

It looks like today is a day I’m simply going to go off the rails with the ol’ blog.
I started this blog for me, for BitPusher, knowing that next to nobody would ever even see it, but just because I thought it would be fun to write about the things that are “me”, namely music and technology related stuff. It’s not often I’ve gotten into deep seeded emotions or thoughts but no more than about a half an hour ago did I start thinking about writing this post, a subject that has perplexed me my whole life.

I really don’t understand the concept of confidence. A fellow I know at work once asked me if I had a wife or girlfriend, to which I promptly replied no. He asked how long, I told him about nine years. He was like “WHAT!! Damn brother.” As we talked, he pointed out that something he has seen in me ever since he’s known me is that I seem to lack confidence in myself big time. It’s more than that though, I’ve heard that statement crop up every great once in a while throughout my whole life, from a fairly young kid on. I told him that in my opinion, the whole idea of confidence is kind of bullshit. I’m not an attractive dude, I’m rather overweight, I have been extremely introverted since I was a kid, but most importantly, I’m fine with it and being confident those things aren’t true won’t make them such.

These things are not lack of esteem, and I did not just take shots at myself in any of the above statements. For example, I’ve been in these shoes and living behind these eyeballs long enough to know that I have never really turned women’s heads except away from me. I also know that I’m difficult to talk to because I generally don’t want to talk to people. It drains me very quickly. I consider myself my a bit of realist but just like the confidence thing, I’ve been called a pessimist forever too. Even my mom used to tell me when I was little “quit being so negative.” Well, whatever. I call things as I see them, and I always try my best to be prepared for worst case scenarios since at least 75% of the time things end up that way. But moving on, I’m just hashing this out in the form of text because it’s what I feel like doing. But for the record, lack of esteem in yourself represents things you hate about yourself, and I don’t hate me at all.

Confidence to me always looked like bullshit. Utter and complete hypocrisy. I believe the only part of “confidence” that makes sense to me is the root being “con” being just that, a con or at it’s best a construct. For example, I’ve heard that even people considered unattractive have won over their significant other because of the confidence they project. I call bullshit there even though I’ve seen such stories and maybe it exists, but all you really have is two suckers instead of one. First of all, let’s take singing as an example. If you have a horrible singing voice, you can be confident that you sound beautiful all day but get out there and just sing and you will find out what? You sound horrible, that’s not changing. To me, confidence at it’s best actually just represents “hopefulness” or some similar means for a self-conceived positive attitude about something negative. It is the ultimate tool for someone to make themselves feel better about something by enabling them to literally pull the wool over their own eyes.

The things that apply to the concept of confidence don’t really affect me like it probably should, maybe that’s one of the reasons I don’t get it? For example, when I said earlier that I’m not an attractive fellow because I’ve never turned heads, I’m not then at home sitting in the dark thinking “oh poor me, I’m so ugly.” Not even close, in fact with things like that, I don’t sweat it. I don’t see a need or enough value in the attention of other people that I therefore need to impress anybody, I’m far happier just being what feels natural for me.

What about accomplishing things, or confidence in one’s abilities? My music is a good example. I didn’t start making music nor build a website because I was confident I had the talent to make it somewhere and really get attention, I in fact don’t care! I’m still a nobody musician and yet my site has stood since 2010. Why? Simply because I want to. I’ll be the first the admit that my music is rather simplistic and I’m not a dedicated composer of any sort, I just do it anyway and I’m even proud of what I’ve done, by me for me. Confidence as best I can understand it has zero application in any part of this equation.

It’s not my goal today to insult anybody here and call someone a goof because they are confident in themselves, looks, abilities, or whatever else the concept can be applied to. All I’m saying is that the idea of confidence escapes me. I think it has about as much value as your everyday mass produced motivational posters. Zero. Perhaps the fault is entirely mine for being too accepting of what I see, or being too passive. It’s odd that I enjoy watching certain sports or playing video games, yet outside of that I completely lack a competitive nature. It’s that simple, I have no desire or need to compete with anybody for anything, especially for things like love. If something is meant to be, it will happen. Two times in my life (many many years in my past when I didn’t know any better despite knowing the general nature of people) I genuinely fell in love. They were both relationships that kind of fell into place, it didn’t require me to be someone I wasn’t. Nonetheless, yeah, twice. And both times I was utterly destroyed. The first time around she was fucking around with her ex, and it took a mutual friend of ours to tell me about it. The second time the woman just wanted something different but bold face lied to me the whole time, with the I love you’s and whatnot. She eventually admitted this to me, that she didn’t want me and there was nothing there. I will never forgive that (what the hell is wrong with someone that they are ok with doing that to someone) but it was yet again an important lesson I needed in the reality of humanity. I can only imagine if I tried to put up a front, pursue women I probably don’t even want to know in the first place and go down those roads all over again this time exaggerated and on purpose. No thank you.

Clearly, confidence is a concept that is not meant for me. My loose understanding of it tells me that that’s not who I am. Don’t get me wrong, I sometimes wish there was someone who cared about me and that I had those plusses of relationships, but the tradeoffs and the highly guaranteed end result is not worth the tradeoff. Then moving on I’m doing fine with my job, I still make music, I keep a roof over my head, so clearly my abilities whatever they are happen to be just adequate enough to keep me where I feel I need to be, so I don’t feel there are problems to be corrected there either. So to those who are “confident”, good luck I guess.
–BitPusher

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